5th Jan 2009

Made an interesting discovery yesterday while reading a book on cancer. I've been wondering why my nose drips like a tap even though I haven't actually got a cold. Well, silly me, the nose hairs disappear too so no defenses and no way of stopping the drips - weird!

You may have noticed that yesterday's blog was a bit more honest than in the past. I've made a conscious decision to be more honest about how I feel and what's happening, because that was the original purpose. I think knowing that Graham and other close family/friends read the blog, I've tended to 'dumb down' some of the facts and feelings to protect them.

As soon as you get over the initial diagnosis of cancer (if you ever do), the need to survive kicks in and on the surface we adopt a 'positive' approach. But I wonder at times if this is for me or for others, because lets face it, no one wants to be faced with my fears and tears when they call and yet I do have them. Yes, my lymph nodes were clear and that's the bit everyone clings to, but actually I have lymphovascular Invasion, which to many Consultants is as bad because the lymphovascular system feeds the whole of the body and they don't know whether or to what extent the cancer cells have travelled.

Of course I try to be positive, but when you've been as ill as I have for the last few weeks, it gets very difficult. I do know that there's no way they can tell whether this treatment is or has worked, which makes it really difficult to plan ahead. On the positive side however, I have paid for two holidays next year - Skye in June and Cornwall in August and I've no intention of losing my deposit (what a scrooge).