10th Jan 2009 - Thoughts!

Was hoping to feel full of life this morning, but after a strange night I got up still weak, wobbly and short of breath. It's really annoying and it set me thinking about a conversation I had with Hilz last night. Hilary, as I've mentioned before went through chemotherapy 21 yrs ago for Hodgkin's Lymphoma and although her treatment was different, her experiences with chemotherapy were similar to mine. Last night we talked about the effects on bodily functions to a degree I wouldn't feel comfortable with anyone else.

We also shared the fact that we've both, at some point, planned our own funeral requirements. 'Oh my god' I hear you say and yes I know it might sound very morbid, but it's something I felt I needed to do. Yes I hope to beat this and yes, I will remain positive, but no one can say for sure what the outcome will be and I don't want to leave things to chance.

The other thing that we discussed was my bewilderment at the fact that I seem to be struggling with the treatment compared to others who have been through the same. Hilary said she used to feel the same, but it's important to realise that there are many different cancers and degrees of cancer, plus there are many different treatments, strengths and amounts, depending on grades and individual needs. We agreed that although, like many others, we really admired Jane Tomilinson, her battle and achievements, it has probably set a standard in the public eye which for the vast majority of cancer sufferers is impossible to achieve.

So I have to accept that as long as I do my best, that's all I can do and the rest is in the lap of the Gods so to speak. So there, I bet you need a lay down now, I know I do.