16th Jan 2009 - The morning after.

After a pretty strange night I'm feeling surprisingly good this morning (sshh, don't speak too soon). I thought I would take the opportunity to say a big thank you to my dear friends who continue to support me with heartfelt words of support via my blog, e-mail, text, cards etc.

It would be hard to name everyone, but here's a few for starters. Max - thank you so much for your support and your comment on my blog last night, I know you can identify with much of what I'm going through and I really value your words of encouragement.

Jean, thanks for being there, I enjoy our occasional telephone conversations and I love the fact that every now and then a card or gift arrives, with a simple but deeply felt comment or verse, they mean so much to me, as does your friendship.

As you know Joan & Gerry are currently on a cruise to New Zealand. They've just been to New York where it was very snowy and now they're in Miami on the beach - great eh! But do you know I get texts and e-mails, even had a phone call informing me that they were visiting churches wherever possible to speak to 'The Big Man' as Gerry calls him. Hugs and kisses to you both.

While we're in foreign places, I will just say a big hello and thanks to Patti and Dave in beautiful Indiana. They've just become Grandparents to little Emmett son of Themba & Kerri. It seems really strange to think of Themba all grown up with his own son. We did see him when we visited Patti & Dave a few years ago, but my over riding memories are of him as a small boy in Swaziland - how time flies.

Apart from those above I have Hilz, my nursing buddy who keeps me straight on any medical worries and Anne my colleague/friend - both keep me going with their sense of humour and bubbly personalities.

To all those I've mentioned and those I will eventually - thank you so much!!!!!!!

13.30p.m. Just to prove my point, I've just received a super little package from my Nestle girlfriends Max, Jean, Viv & Jane, it contained sachets of hot chocolate, coffee and herbal teas, a little ditty plus some inspiring paper cuttings - how lovely and so thoughtful.

15th Jan 2009 - 3rd Chemo 'Take Two'

Me & Sissy.
I'm up showered and dressed with a feeling of impending doom, not helped by my dream. I was somewhere with my sister and they were selling off Christmas ornaments. Every time I picked one up I would look at it and even though it was only a few pence I would think 'it's not worth buying as I might not be here next Christmas'. It's not something that I spend my time thinking, but it must be somewhere in the depths of my strange mind.

The weather doesn't help today, it's pouring down, still I'm sporting my new skirt and boots, it's always nice to have a reason to dress up a bit and I've given myself a kick up the bum in relation to clothes. There is a tendency to slouch around in jeans and thick pullies when you're not feeling so good, but it doesn't help the morale. I love my clothes, so I've decided to wear more of my nice stuff instead of thinking 'oh I'll leave that till I feel better'. It might not last, but at least I feel a bit better about myself today. So more later!

Post Chemotherapy - Well all went smoothly. I was looked after by Tracy who is an Oncology Specialist Nurse and she was lovely, she took lots of time to talk about my recent experience all of the side effects that I've experienced. It would seem that I am quite sensitive to the chemotherapy drugs and I am having quite a rough time, which sort of answers some of the questions I've been asking previously in my blog re: stories of other cancer sufferers running and working. Next time I will be seeing my Consultant to review progress, so we'll see what he has to say. Tracy also flushed two litres of fluid through to alleviate any constipation caused by the anti-emetics(anti-sickness) tablets which a tend to soak up body fluids and slow bowel movement.

The actual treatment went without incident and it was nice to have Patty (my sister) to chat with. Tracy took a picture of us both on my phone and once I discover how to transfer it to the lap top I will put it on here.

We came home to what I hoped would be a really nice 'slow cooker' stew, but as I do at the moment I forgot to do certain things and it was all a bit 'al dente', oh well better luck next time. It took about three hours for the effects to kick in (from the chemo, not the stew) and I am currently experiencing some nausea, slight headache and general wobbliness, so her we go!

14th Jan 2009 - Oh Happy Days!

Yes, don't worry I'm still here, apologies to my dear friend Patti in Indiana who rang me this evening because my last entry mentioned possible 'phlebitis' and then I haven't 'blogged' for a couple of days. The only reason for this is that I haven't had alot to say and I've been making the most of my extra week, enjoying some time out as well as some really nice meals.

I should have had a visit from my friend Hilary today, but it had to be postponed. The sun was shining when we got up, so I went for yet another blood test and then we headed off for York. I decided that I wanted to buy some new clothes as many of mine are a little baggy at the moment. I ended up with a lovely long denim skirt, some striped jeans and a pair of ankle boots. We also had dinner at The Ate O'clock - my last chance to really enjoy a meal for a while again.

I'm not looking forward to tomorrow, but at least I can think that I'm half way through, three to go.

11th Jan 2009 - Better Days

Delaying my treatment was definitely a good move and I'm improving each day. It's really nice too being able to enjoy my food and drink for a few days, so I'm making the most of that. I'm really not looking forward to being in 'crappy land' for a couple of weeks, but hopefully if I can stay clear of any bugs, I will have a week or so when I feel reasonable.

The only thing that's bugging me at the moment is a painful arm, which I'm guessing is phlebitis, or inflammation of the vein. It's been sore since I had the cannula inserted on Christmas Eve, but now it really hurts if I stretch for something or forget and rub my arm. I've got another four treatments to go, so I hope the veins are going to hold up - we'll see on Thursday.

10th Jan 2009 - Thoughts!

Was hoping to feel full of life this morning, but after a strange night I got up still weak, wobbly and short of breath. It's really annoying and it set me thinking about a conversation I had with Hilz last night. Hilary, as I've mentioned before went through chemotherapy 21 yrs ago for Hodgkin's Lymphoma and although her treatment was different, her experiences with chemotherapy were similar to mine. Last night we talked about the effects on bodily functions to a degree I wouldn't feel comfortable with anyone else.

We also shared the fact that we've both, at some point, planned our own funeral requirements. 'Oh my god' I hear you say and yes I know it might sound very morbid, but it's something I felt I needed to do. Yes I hope to beat this and yes, I will remain positive, but no one can say for sure what the outcome will be and I don't want to leave things to chance.

The other thing that we discussed was my bewilderment at the fact that I seem to be struggling with the treatment compared to others who have been through the same. Hilary said she used to feel the same, but it's important to realise that there are many different cancers and degrees of cancer, plus there are many different treatments, strengths and amounts, depending on grades and individual needs. We agreed that although, like many others, we really admired Jane Tomilinson, her battle and achievements, it has probably set a standard in the public eye which for the vast majority of cancer sufferers is impossible to achieve.

So I have to accept that as long as I do my best, that's all I can do and the rest is in the lap of the Gods so to speak. So there, I bet you need a lay down now, I know I do.

9th Jan 2009

Definitely a good decision yesterday. I slept really well last night and I feel a few degrees better this morning. If I'd had the chemotherapy I know I would be feeling really crap this morning. Another week will make all the difference and hopefully I will have a manageable three week cycle next time. So today I'm relaxing, knitting, listening to our iPod music and wondering what to eat next! I'm sure I'll be like a house end by the time all this is over.

I've started to look at the different options following my mastectomy, which will be around April time I think. Originally I thought I would just go with a prosthesis, but as Mr MJ offered to do a reconstruction at the same time, I have looked at the different kinds. I'm currently leaning towards a Lat-flap, which means they take the tissue and muscle from the back of the upper chest. It means I would have a reasonable shape and even a cleavage. I was quite flattered that he felt I was a 'young lady' who would probably benefit from this. So that's something to aim towards, plus I know that shortly after that we will be heading up to beautiful Skye and a truly needed holiday, hopefully with all this behind us.

8th Jan 2009 - Third Chemo Treatment?

(left) Patty and Mike

Well should have been my third treatment today. My sister came and we went through to the Oncology unit at York. After a brief discussion with the Nurse, she went and spoke to Prof. D who immediately said I couldn't have the treatment today as I still have residual problems from the Christmas bugs I picked up. In some ways I think I was relieved as I know I'm still not fully fit and the thought of Chemo side effects on top is just too much, apart from the fact that I could end up with another infection and be unable to fight it.

I asked about the night sweats, but the nurse didn't seem to know whether these were related to the chemotherapy, at least once I'd ruled out menopausal causes, so that wasn't very re-assuring. Also I'm still experiencing bouts of diarrhoea which come on very suddenly. She seemed to think this might be due to the antibiotics, but I finished those over a week ago. I think I'll have to draw my own conclusions on that one.

So I'm back next Thursday 15th and in the meantime I will concentrate on resting and building myself up.