Up early this morning and off to Selby Hospital for my blood test. I'm feeling really anxious about tomorrow's treatment, I'm terrified that I will be unwell again, especially as I still haven't fully recovered from the bugs I picked up four weeks ago. I intend to have a good talk to them tomorrow (the oncology staff, not the bugs) and express my concerns about my health, the numerous side effects and the breathlessness, which I've no doubt is due to the germs, but it still worries me. My sister is coming to 'buddy' me tomorrow, I think it will be good for her to have some involvement, her and Mike have been so supportive and it will be nice to have her there.
Had an unexpected visit from Louis and 'my fiancee' John (a running joke). Also our friend Alan came and we went to Howden for lunch, so it's actually been quite a full day which has kept my mind off what's to come, until now! So, we'll see what happens and I'll report back tomorrow.
Wednesday, 7 January 2009
Tuesday, 6 January 2009
6th Jan 2009
Woke in the early hours with horrendous indigestion/heartburn which started in the epigastric region and very quickly became spasm radiating into my back, neck and even my ear and face. Nothing shifts it, not even the tablets they gave me last time, so not much sleep again.
We went into York to pick up my glasses, but I was nervous before we set off as I felt a bit queasy and had needed an urgent visit to the loo. In town I didn't improve, we met Alan in Costa and I had to make another dash to the loo before I left to go to the opticians. My glasses are great, they're lightweight and rimless, very different to the ones I've had which were 'designer' but quite heavy. Since starting chemotherapy I've found I can't bear them, they press into my head and irritate my nose, also when I'm wearing my hats and scarves, the arms seem to act like microphones (that's a hard one to explain, you'll just have to trust me). Anyway, I like them and Graham thinks I look more serene and sexy, but then he'd think I looked sexy in a sack and wellies - bless!.
It's fortunate that I know where all the store toilets are as I needed to make a couple of emergency visits. By the time I was able to find Graham I felt like crap and just wanted to get home.
The rest of the day has been good though. I had a call from my friend Anne and caught up on everything from 'what's happening at work' to 'the price of fish' - yes we could talk a glass eye to sleep me and Anne. I really enjoy your calls!!
We went into York to pick up my glasses, but I was nervous before we set off as I felt a bit queasy and had needed an urgent visit to the loo. In town I didn't improve, we met Alan in Costa and I had to make another dash to the loo before I left to go to the opticians. My glasses are great, they're lightweight and rimless, very different to the ones I've had which were 'designer' but quite heavy. Since starting chemotherapy I've found I can't bear them, they press into my head and irritate my nose, also when I'm wearing my hats and scarves, the arms seem to act like microphones (that's a hard one to explain, you'll just have to trust me). Anyway, I like them and Graham thinks I look more serene and sexy, but then he'd think I looked sexy in a sack and wellies - bless!.
It's fortunate that I know where all the store toilets are as I needed to make a couple of emergency visits. By the time I was able to find Graham I felt like crap and just wanted to get home.
The rest of the day has been good though. I had a call from my friend Anne and caught up on everything from 'what's happening at work' to 'the price of fish' - yes we could talk a glass eye to sleep me and Anne. I really enjoy your calls!!
Monday, 5 January 2009
5th Jan 2009
Made an interesting discovery yesterday while reading a book on cancer. I've been wondering why my nose drips like a tap even though I haven't actually got a cold. Well, silly me, the nose hairs disappear too so no defenses and no way of stopping the drips - weird!
You may have noticed that yesterday's blog was a bit more honest than in the past. I've made a conscious decision to be more honest about how I feel and what's happening, because that was the original purpose. I think knowing that Graham and other close family/friends read the blog, I've tended to 'dumb down' some of the facts and feelings to protect them.
As soon as you get over the initial diagnosis of cancer (if you ever do), the need to survive kicks in and on the surface we adopt a 'positive' approach. But I wonder at times if this is for me or for others, because lets face it, no one wants to be faced with my fears and tears when they call and yet I do have them. Yes, my lymph nodes were clear and that's the bit everyone clings to, but actually I have lymphovascular Invasion, which to many Consultants is as bad because the lymphovascular system feeds the whole of the body and they don't know whether or to what extent the cancer cells have travelled.
Of course I try to be positive, but when you've been as ill as I have for the last few weeks, it gets very difficult. I do know that there's no way they can tell whether this treatment is or has worked, which makes it really difficult to plan ahead. On the positive side however, I have paid for two holidays next year - Skye in June and Cornwall in August and I've no intention of losing my deposit (what a scrooge).
You may have noticed that yesterday's blog was a bit more honest than in the past. I've made a conscious decision to be more honest about how I feel and what's happening, because that was the original purpose. I think knowing that Graham and other close family/friends read the blog, I've tended to 'dumb down' some of the facts and feelings to protect them.
As soon as you get over the initial diagnosis of cancer (if you ever do), the need to survive kicks in and on the surface we adopt a 'positive' approach. But I wonder at times if this is for me or for others, because lets face it, no one wants to be faced with my fears and tears when they call and yet I do have them. Yes, my lymph nodes were clear and that's the bit everyone clings to, but actually I have lymphovascular Invasion, which to many Consultants is as bad because the lymphovascular system feeds the whole of the body and they don't know whether or to what extent the cancer cells have travelled.
Of course I try to be positive, but when you've been as ill as I have for the last few weeks, it gets very difficult. I do know that there's no way they can tell whether this treatment is or has worked, which makes it really difficult to plan ahead. On the positive side however, I have paid for two holidays next year - Skye in June and Cornwall in August and I've no intention of losing my deposit (what a scrooge).
Sunday, 4 January 2009
4th Jan 2009 - 'Struggling'
(left) 'Every picture tells a story'
Have found it difficult to write my blog lately, not because there's nothing to say, more because what I want to say may be difficult for people reading it. However, I'm going to be really honest and confess that there have been times lately when I've been in despair and wondered if I really will make it through this. I've only three days to go to my next treatment and I've had no respite from some crappy ailments and side effects. I am still very short of breath and although the coughing has decreased slightly, it still occasionally has me gasping.
I get a lot of contact from friends and family via e-mail and text asking me how I am and I really appreciate that. However, I do tend to be less than honest with my replies because who wants to hear someone moaning on about how crap they feel. It has backfired on me occasionally, like last week when my sister asked 'how are you today' and I replied, 'better night, not too bad'. This generated an invite for something to eat at their house, which I really didn't feel up to, so I had to come clean and confess that I was a 'wreck'.
I have also found that I am very emotional at the moment and can cry at the daftest things. Mostly though I cry because I get frustrated with my lack of energy and ability to do the simplest chores. I think being a bit down is to be expected and will hopefully improve.
My friend Hilz called last night and we talked about some of the crap I've been going through. It's 21yrs since Hilary went through chemotherapy, but she can relate to all the strange physical changes and side effects like it was yesterday and always gives me some sound advice while making me laugh. Hilary is a wonderful person and a fantastic nurse, she's worked with terminally ill children for many years now and I reckon deserves National recognition for her caring, selfless attitude.
It's possible that I won't be well enough for my next chemotherapy and to be honest, if I'm going to feel as ill as I have been, they can delay it as long as they like. If I was going to sum up the last three weeks, I would have to say it's been really shit!. There, so I've let off a bit of steam and I make no apologies for sounding a little negative today. I guess the only way is up!
Saturday, 3 January 2009
3rd Jan - HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRAHAM
Yes it's my hubbie's birthday today. I bought him a tiny iPod that he can take to his bookings and put on when he needs a break. It's not much bigger than a postage stamp (costs about the same), but it's a wonderful little gadget. It's also two years ago since my Mum died, as you can imagine, that wasn't a very good birthday and I guess this one could have been better.
I had a much better night, still sweating profusely, but the coughing is getting less and even better, the ulcers on the side of my tongue seem to be subsiding. Maybe I'll get two or three days of respite before the next bash. Anyway, looking forward to a visit from Roo and Gor today.
I had a much better night, still sweating profusely, but the coughing is getting less and even better, the ulcers on the side of my tongue seem to be subsiding. Maybe I'll get two or three days of respite before the next bash. Anyway, looking forward to a visit from Roo and Gor today.
Friday, 2 January 2009
2nd Jan 2009
Yeah, no coughing through the night, just sweating so much I could have perfected the crawl or the butterfly.
Last night I expressed a wish to get out of the house for a while, but this morning my legs felt really weak and wobbly. We did however decide to make the trip to York as I needed some more mouthwash for the ulcer on my tongue which feels like Ben Nevis. I found a nice hat in the sales to add to my collection and a nice warm cardigan. It was very hot in the shops, so I did take off my hat, which drew a few glances especially from one little girl who pointed and made a little screeching sound - bless!
Back home I'm coughing well again, must be the changes in temperature and I'm very tired, so an afternoon siesta is very welcome. I think the main thing now is to try and build up my strength and energy for next week so my treatment isn't delayed.
Last night I expressed a wish to get out of the house for a while, but this morning my legs felt really weak and wobbly. We did however decide to make the trip to York as I needed some more mouthwash for the ulcer on my tongue which feels like Ben Nevis. I found a nice hat in the sales to add to my collection and a nice warm cardigan. It was very hot in the shops, so I did take off my hat, which drew a few glances especially from one little girl who pointed and made a little screeching sound - bless!
Back home I'm coughing well again, must be the changes in temperature and I'm very tired, so an afternoon siesta is very welcome. I think the main thing now is to try and build up my strength and energy for next week so my treatment isn't delayed.
Thursday, 1 January 2009
1st January 2009 - HAPPY NEW YEAR!
HAPPY NEW YEAR to everyone.
I made it to the celebrations last night. Graham found me a green jacket like the one Sigourney has on in Alien 3 and then we wrote - 1Lt E RIPLEY on a couple on lighter coloured strips, a large one on the back and a small one on the front. Together with some combat trousers and my boots it looked great, but the finishing touch was Louis Sci fi gun and a chain with some 'cogs' hanging on it.
Graham looked fantastic in his Sean Connery gear (based on Sean's character from the Indiana Jones films). It was really funny watching peoples faces, I swear they thought it really was Mr Connery. It was a super night, we were greeted at the door with a choice of mini burgers or mini sausage and mash. Also attending were, Columbo, The Joker, Elvis (that was Kenny), a couple of Flappers, lots of Pink Ladies (not sure what they are) and lots of other characters. The buffet was superb as usual with swordfish Kebabs, a roast piglet, chicken, chips etc. Dessert took the form of a chocolate fountain with numerous naughty treats to dip in it.
We watched the countdown to Midnight on the TV and toasted with champagne, which incidentally tasted foul for me. It was quite an emotional few moments for me and although I know it's just another day really, I do hope things will be better in 2009.
So A HAPPY NEW YEAR to all my friends and family with love and thanks for your support over the past few months.
I made it to the celebrations last night. Graham found me a green jacket like the one Sigourney has on in Alien 3 and then we wrote - 1Lt E RIPLEY on a couple on lighter coloured strips, a large one on the back and a small one on the front. Together with some combat trousers and my boots it looked great, but the finishing touch was Louis Sci fi gun and a chain with some 'cogs' hanging on it.
Graham looked fantastic in his Sean Connery gear (based on Sean's character from the Indiana Jones films). It was really funny watching peoples faces, I swear they thought it really was Mr Connery. It was a super night, we were greeted at the door with a choice of mini burgers or mini sausage and mash. Also attending were, Columbo, The Joker, Elvis (that was Kenny), a couple of Flappers, lots of Pink Ladies (not sure what they are) and lots of other characters. The buffet was superb as usual with swordfish Kebabs, a roast piglet, chicken, chips etc. Dessert took the form of a chocolate fountain with numerous naughty treats to dip in it.
We watched the countdown to Midnight on the TV and toasted with champagne, which incidentally tasted foul for me. It was quite an emotional few moments for me and although I know it's just another day really, I do hope things will be better in 2009.
So A HAPPY NEW YEAR to all my friends and family with love and thanks for your support over the past few months.
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